Hi, my name is Brit, and I'm addicted to praise

But these 10 things are freeing me

I love being acknowledged. I always have. I mean, not only is it an innate human trait to want to feel included, seen, and applauded, but oh my goodness, it just. feels. good.

From the looks of me, though, you wouldn’t know I’m a praise junkie. For one, if you saw the way I leave the house most days, you would KNOW I ain’t fishin’ for compliments on my appearance.

But when I do receive a nod or attention in person, it makes me want to run for the hills. I have extreme anxiety leading up to any sort of speaking thing and even though I’m dying for someone to ask me about my projects when I see them, the second they do, my heart stops, my lungs shrivel, and my brain blacks out while I reply.

On the other hand, give me accolades in writing or let me hide behind a screen, and I’ll be buzzed, delighted, and oh-so-very seen. While sipping on kind emails and guzzling glowing reviews, I’ll feel grounded, confident, and drunk on accomplishment. Oh, and tell me that I helped or inspired you, and I’ll be flying high.

So, it’s not news to me that I enjoy recognition for a job well done or an idea that impacted someone.

BUT.

Ever since publishing my first book, I’ve realized just how much I depend on being commended.

From the depression I experienced when the book launch event I had visualized and meticulously planned for five months was over, to the defeat I felt when my success was less than the authors I was comparing myself to, to the tears I cried (and the phone I almost threw) when I read the first criticisms of my book, let’s just say that this whole process has cracked me wide open.

It’s taught me things I didn’t even know about myself. It’s also taught me that I’m not alone. I’m not the only one who:

• feels like they’re standing naked in a field of crickets after sharing things online.

• has received ample positive feedback, but still wants more, more, more.

• is so thirsty for affirmation, it often takes over my thoughts, keeps me stuck, or drives me into overproducing/overworking.

But just because it’s common, doesn’t mean it should continue. Being consumed with the opinions of others is exhaaausting. So, lately, I’ve been digging into my soul and trying on some new perspectives. And let me tell you:

It’s been wildly freeing.

Without further ado, here are 10 things you can do when a “praise crave” takes over you:

1. See it. Hear it. Welcome it.

Ever since bringing this topic of needing approval into the light of day, I can’t tell you how many people have told me that I should simply ignore what people think (good or bad) and be proud of myself — regardless of anything.

I appreciate them trying to help. It’s very good advice. But it doesn’t work for me.

I can’t just up and decide to ignore something. I’m a visual person and a deep feeler who needs tangible tips on how to work through something — not around it.

So, what’s been especially helpful is to NOT ignore my cravings for approval + fears of rejection but rather to see them, hear them, and welcome them. They will always be a part of me. They will always show up. And they will be there for a reason.

But like Liz Gilbert says to fear, these thoughts should be “absolutely forbidden to drive.”

2. Just put it somewhere.

When I’m super antsy after sending/posting something, I’m really just wanting to connect over it. So, I find that it’s SUPER helpful to text a few friends while telling them exactly how I’m feeling in that moment.

Exhibit A:

Even if they don’t reply right away, there’s something about just putting it somewhere that helps me exhale a little bit.

It’s kind of like angry journaling. When I see my thoughts on tangible paper in front of me, there’s a sense of relief. What felt so BIG and scary in my brain is actually much smaller and manageable than I thought.

3. Put yourself in your audience’s shoes.

As soon as I move from a me-me-me mentality and see things through a them-them-them lens, here’s what I realize:

• The world doesn’t stop the second I send something out. People aren’t just sitting around, not living their lives, waiting for my life-changing sentences to enter their inboxes or feeds.

• Do I immediately or always reply to everything? No.

• Do I always write people when something moves me? No.

• Just because someone isn’t immediately replying telling me how amazing something is, doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

4. Write a “grocery list.”

There are two terribly dangerous things you can do in this life:

1: Go to the grocery store hungry.
2: Go to the grocery store without a list.

Without a full belly and a list of things to keep you focused, you stay there longer, get distracted by all the sweet ‘n’ salty things, and come home with WAY more than you need.

Same thing happens when you put something vulnerable out there and don’t check in with yourself before doing it. In other words, if you don’t clearly define what your own definition of success is (and keep referring back to it), you’ll get lost down the aisles of comparison — looking at how everyone else is doing, listening to what everyone else deems worthy, and wanting more-more-more of what you ultimately don’t need.

Before my friend Logan Steiner put her first book into the world, her idea of success was to hold a book that she had written in her hands and touch *a* single reader deeply with something she had written.

We all know where this is going right?

Not long after launching, she unknowingly started shifting her expectations, thanks to shiny, distracting things she was seeing on those “grocery store shelves” — like spotting “bestseller” next to another author’s name and not being included in the “Staff Picks” section of a bookstore.

For me, “success” for my book has become a moving target, undefined for myself and so subject to wild mood swings. And this has resulted in a lot of needless suffering.

—Logan Steiner

Yet in her recent newsletter, Unconsciously Moving the Goalpost, she lets us in on some key advice from her agent (Spoiler: “[Don’t] blow past long-held goals like a freight train without pausing to stop for celebration and gratitude.”) and how she’s consciously focusing on a new definition of success.

Part of that definition is to pick herself back up when she falls, which I absolutely love. Because the world will lead you off course time and again, but with that simple list in your hand and a LOT of grace in your pocket, you can always begin again.

5. Stop watching the pot.

Don’t just sit there, staring at your inbox (or whatever you’re wanting to fill), refreshing it repeatedly. Or if you’re sad that something’s over, don’t just wallow in it.

Move away from it.
Focus on something different.
Dance until the water boils, baby.

This could mean:

• turning on music and doing some of those kitchen chores you keep putting off.

• setting up a “bookend” of sorts. Plan a getaway after X. Get good friends together after Y. [Insert that thing you’d look forward to here!]

• scheduling something to publish at a time you know you won’t be looking. (Sometimes, I’ll schedule newsletters to go out at 5am, a time I KNOW my eyes won’t be feasting on anything but dreaming.)

• starting a new project. (I tell ya, starting this blog while I’m waiting for book reviews/responses to inquiries/etc. has been so life-giving. I focus less on what I’m *waiting* for and more on what I can create.

And if all else fails:

6. Detox.

• Hide your phone in a drawer.

• Take a break from posting things.

• Delete your social media apps from your phone for a few days.

• Write/create something for your eyes and YOUR eyes only.

• Unsubscribe from/unfollow people who make you feel insufficient.

Do whatever you need to do to take a solid breather and regain a fresh perspective.

7. Look underneath it all.

It has been rather therapeutic to process my obsession for attention through reading, writing, and talking about it. As they say, admitting to any kind of addiction is the first step!

A next helpful step? Peel back the layers and see if there’s an underlying reason for your “cravings.” Take a look back at your upbringing, education, and career experiences.

See if there was something that put a dent in your confidence. Just the act of identifying a significant event (or two or five) might give you some powerful insight.

(This helped me recognize where some of my negative self-talk was coming from. It even helped me see that the things I was telling myself were nothin’ but lies!)

While you’re at it, though, give yourself some grace.

“If your parents linked their acceptance to your achievements, if you were educated in a competitive system, if you ever participated in sports, theater, a job, motherhood – in short, if you live in this world – then you’ve been set up to get hooked on praise.”

—Martha Beck

It’s no wonder we’re so quick to seek external validation. Our world has conditioned us to strive for it! And once the human brain gets a “hit” of it, it inevitably wants more of it, thanks to that lovely chemical called dopamine.

But here’s the thing: “Hits” don’t last.

Even a 1942-recorded song that is still the best-selling hit of all time (I’m lookin’ at you, “White Christmas!”) doesn’t last forever. In fact, it literally only lasts for three minutes and three seconds.

So, here’s whatcha gotta do:

8. Focus on what *will* sustain you.

When you’re fearing rejection / craving praise / high on accolades, look underneath the oh-so-fleeting, superficial surface. Look deep down and ask yourself what you’re really truly wanting in those moments. Is it love? Is it connection? Is it to know that you’re enough?

What brings you back to you in these moments?

Is it journaling? Praying? Going to a yoga class? Grabbing a meal with someone? Taking deep breaths? Dancing? Hugging someone? Calling someone?

What especially helps me is to focus back on God, because clearly, when I get into this state of needing external affirmation, I’ve forgotten the biggest truth of all: I have always been and will always be perfect in his eyes.

God helps me take the “X” out of “external” and focus on what’s eternal. Boom.

9. Give what you want to receive.

Instead of waiting for others to give you what you want (which almost always fails!), how about you go and give that love and praise to someone else? Put the control back in your hands. Keep the goodness in motion.

Perhaps…

• Leave a 5-star review for a restaurant you frequent.

• Send an email to your favorite author.

• Text someone how much you love them.

• Find a Kickstarter campaign to support.

• Leave a love note for a stranger to find.

See what happens.

10. Trust that criticism will help way more than it hurts

Of course there’s an initial sting when you get a shot or a blood draw, but those things are ultimately helpful. Same goes for the negative stuff you fear. Yeah, it hurts at the beginning. Yeah, it sucks. But in the long run, it will work in your favor if you let it. Just how, you ask?

THAT will be unpacked in a future post, my friend.

Until then, I hope you found these ideas helpful! I hope you’re already starting to feel how you deserve to feel:

Freeeeeeeee!