Redefining BIG

How one mom's comment sparked a new perspective on what our culture overlooks

On Thursday morning, I was wo-manning the doors at Forever Moms, a regular gathering at my church involving great convo and much-needed coffee. As everyone was getting acquainted, I was standing solo in the lobby — secretly hoping someone would keep me company — while also wishing I had bowed out.

It was one of those days where I didn’t quite have the energy to be the greeter / host / mentor that I’ve signed up to be at these things. On that morning, I needed some mentoring. I needed to be carried — ideally back to bed.

Then, one of my favorite mamas walked up.

She’s the ice breaker of a human that every gaggle of ladies needs. She blurts out what everyone’s thinking but is too scared to say. She admits her faults in modest, inspiring ways. And ever since the day she complained about menopause like she was doing standup, I’ve loved her even more. She’s shameless. She’s honest. She’s real.

So, it was no surprise that when she asked me one simple question about my speaking stuff, I laid it ALL out there for her — and more.

I told her I’m actually taking a pause for a while, and how I secretly wish I could write a bunch of books and never have to actually talk about them, er, personally sell them. (Hiding behind a screen in my pajamas is the DREAM!)

…and how I’ve been waiting to hear from God on what to do next, but haven’t received any clear instructions.

…and how it’s been a long time since I’ve felt a “cartwheel” in my chest. (Do you ever have those unexpected bursts of joy that make your heart spin a bit? They have nothing to do with too much coffee and everything to do with inspiration, right?)

…and how I have all these ideas ‘n’ dreams and when I actually pursue them, I have to recover for two weeks, or while I’m getting after them, I’m not the present mom I want to be.

“Yet I continue to have this longing for something BIG…so it’s hard,” I said.

What she said next opened my eyes and filled them with tears:

“You’re changing a little boy’s life. That’s BIG.”

<mic drop>

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I couldn’t help but feel a little regret (for forgetting about the most important job I have) and a lot of gratitude (for this beautiful opportunity).

I couldn’t help but realize that in my longing for a certain kind of big (the numbers-focused, traction-loving, spotlight-seeking big that our culture is obsessed with), my biggest dream has been right in front of me.

And for the rest of the week, I’ve been doing more double-takes:

• Maybe I haven’t heard God’s clear instructions because I’ve been up to my eyeballs in finished-product-focused social media feeds. I’ve been drinking the message that if I’m not hustling and wanting more-more-more, I’m doing something wrong. I’ve been listening to the whispers that say, “If you’re just doing the mom thing, you’re missing all the big things.”

• Maybe it’s okay that I haven’t felt my heart do a cartwheel. I mean, I have been drinking significantly less coffee. Maybe no palpitations is a good thing, yeah? And maybe something’s changing in me. Maybe my heart is appreciating the struggle and embracing the slog. Perhaps it’s focusing on the long game instead of seeking fleeting things like, ya know, two-second cartwheels that are gone as quickly as they arrive.

• Maybe all this needed recovery from pursuing certain projects is because I’m overdoing it. Like, maybe I’m in a season where I should host five women for some BIG, connected, intimate convo instead of seventy-five women that I’m barely able to say hi and bye to.

• Maybe I need to reframe what my version of success is. Actually, whenever I sell books in person lately, I set a goal of selling ONE, and that has completely changed my experience and expectations. It’s been quite freeing.

Imagine if I applied that sort of thinking to other areas.

Hmm…

Are you feeling this?
Are you craving this, too?

What would it look like to redefine BIG?

For starters, here are a few perspectives that’ve stopped me in my recent scrolling:

Beret Finken — who was actually quoted in and inspired some of the illustrations in Mama Be Present — just released her very first album.

What she posted on her Facebook the other night was one of the most refreshing things I’ve read online in a LONG time:

Just a week after releasing a musical work of art that she poured her heart into, she’s not hungering for it to “blow up,” but is instead at total peace with it reaching who it’s meant to. She trusts that she’s created something beautiful for the listener who wants to truly, intimately feel her music on a smaller, quieter yet oh-so-powerful level.

That’s BIG.

Then, there are these golden words from Neha Ruch, founder of Mother Untitled, a place for ambitious women who are leaning into family life:

Here’s what she wrote in her Instagram caption:

Just here to say sometimes bigger isn’t always better and our dreams can take lots of shapes and sizes in different seasons but success is if it feels aligned to who you are and what you really want.

I’m taking some time through Thanksgiving to slow down and write my vision for 1 year, 3 years, 5 years and 10 years and giving myself permission to be really really honest with myself so I can make sure that in 1 year the life I’m living, the way I’m parenting, the work I’m doing, the team I’m building and person I’m showing up is aligned to who I want to be.

That’s BIG.

Then, whilst scrolling LinkedIn, I came across this:

I can’t love this story any harder. Talk about all the overlooked and unexpected things becoming BIG. And then, for a reader to notice another reader’s comment as a full-blown story that moved her so much she decided to share it as her FAVORITE STORY OF THE WEEK?

That’s BIG.

If ever you think the internet has lost its ability to genuinely and delightfully capture the human experience, you just go ahead and take a life-changing sip from Cup of Jo. Led by Joanna Goddard, this daily women’s lifestyle site has a following that is so engaged, they encourage visitors to “come for the blog and stay for the comments.”

In other words, come for the inspiring content, but stick around for something even better: connection, kindness, and thoughtful input.

That’s BIG.

So, those are just some of the words that have inspired me from others.

Here’s more of what I’ve realized — through a “redefining BIG” lens — while reflecting on some of my own experiences.

The BIGGEST result of Moms on the Mic:

It wasn’t the number of attendees, how well the flowers coordinated with the balloons, or how many people told me I was onto something.

It was, however, hearing how a mom went up to one of the open mic’ers at the end of the night in tears saying, “Thank you for suggesting that we talk to our kids about our depression. I’m going to do that.”

My BIGGEST memory from last year’s Thanksgiving:

It wasn’t what the table looked like, if things were timed right or warm enough, or if we had fancy enough cheese with our apps.

It was, however, when my mom and I brought a hairdryer into the kitchen. After stressing over the clumps in the pumpkin bar icing and feeling like failures, YouTube told us to blow-dry the outer edge of the bowl. After that failed, too, we couldn’t help but laugh about it. And just like that, a little cooking mishap became a peculiar memory for me.

The BIGGEST minute of my morning:

Earlier today, I told JeeWoo we had one minute before we had to get ready for the doctor. Immediately bursting into tears, he yelled, “But I didn’t get to PLAY!”

“Well, let’s play right now! Let’s make this minute GOOD,” I said.
“Nooo!” he cried. “There’s not enough tiiiiime!”
“Yes, there is! Let’s make it count! Should we dance?”
“Nooo!”
“Should we run some laps around the house?”
“YESSSSS!”
“Do you want to lead?” I asked.
“YESSS!”

So, there we went…dashing around the house in a couple simple circles that were brightened with BIG smiles and laughs. His face was beaming. And by some stroke of a miracle, he even ran straight into the laundry room and said he was ready to go. What?!

How could something like that happen in 60 seconds?

One word: Connection.

And if there’s one theme that’s screaming to be recognized in all the above stuff, it’s that.

Connection is the secret ingredient that magnifies all that's little, overlooked, or unpopular.

So, as you move into the holidays — a time that focuses on a certain kind of big that sparks a specific kind of stress and leaves a particular type of emptiness — I hope you carry a piece of this perspective with you.

When something doesn’t go as planned…
Or things feel meh or not enough…

Do a double-take.
Sink a little deeper.
Get connected.

THAT, my friend…will make it BIG.

Until next time,