How I accidentally squashed my fear of spiders

And how I've been purposely applying this to my fear of judgement

Man. It’s been a rough go in my brain, lately.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve written an entire newsletter, mapped out a whole new format for Moon Pollen, signed up for this learning platform, inquired about that second degree, or tapped someone about this event idea — only to be completely over it within 24 hours.

I’ve been deeply confused and beyond aggravated. (I can only imagine how David, my mom, and closest pals feel every week. Listening to my endless “next moves” has to feel like riding a roller coaster. A rickety one.)

Except last week, I realized WHY this keeps occurring:

Not only am I trying for the millionth time to embrace that I’m a multi-passionate butterfly who can also be classified as a creative generalist (OMG this post on people who start ‘n’ stop a lot made me feel so seen!), but here’s the real deal:

I’m afraid of failing.
I’m afraid of rejection.
I thrive off pleasing others.

Most of all:

I worry about what people think of me.

As I’ve written before, it’s normal to feel all this stuff. It’s human. But when it becomes all-consuming, something’s got to give.

At first, I thought an “approval detox” would help.

I thought removing myself from anything that would feed my relapsed addiction to praise would be the key. I thought logging out of social media and hunting for something totally different would help.

Forget your stupid dreams. Ignore your silly ideas. They’re not good. They won’t work. Go do something completely opposite, I thought, under the influence of that always-loud Self-Doubt Devil on my shoulder.

Yet two Sundays ago, while staring out my backyard window, fixating on a smiley face I always see in this one fence post, I received another message — a message that freaked me out as much as it lit me up:

Stop running. Stop hiding. Face it head on.

In that moment, I saw myself finally publishing the book I’ve been tinkering with (and, well, quietly hoarding) for almost a decade.

And with that, I saw spiders.

Stay with me.

I used to be deeply afraid of those eight-legged monsters. When I was super young, I’d basically hallucinate and see hundreds of them on my ceiling at night. As I got older, if those creepy crawlies showed up in anything outside my nightmares, they’d make me scream, squirm, and feel sick to my stomach.

In my mind, their number one purpose in life was to be scary.

I thought they were always out to get me and that all they wanted to do was haunt me, taunt me, and BITE me. So, when they’d show up indoors, it was surely because they’d smelled me. They’d found me.

When I’d attempt to kill them with Windex and the biggest boot I could find, I’d lose sight of them because things get blurry when you’re dry heaving, crying, and trying to spray something the size of a nickel from 72 feet away.

After contemplating burning the house down, I’d be convinced they were watching me…following me…and waiting for me to fall asleep so they could crawl into my mouth (That is a myth, by the way!) or, ya know, inject their lethal venom into my innocent flesh.

David and his mom always told me, “Don’t worry about them. Spiders are good! They eat all the bad bugs!”

One side of my brain (the logical, educated one) actually knew this. But the other side (the irrational, anxious, worst-case-scenario side) was convinced that anything with fangs and way too many legs was, well, a murderer.

Then, I became a mom to a boy who LOVES spiders.

Trying not to rub my fear off on him, I faked it for a while. I even somehow managed to remain calm the time a green spider appeared on HIS FOREHEAD. (Still waiting to be nominated for an Academy Award for that one.)

But a few summers ago, while moving handfuls of rocks to the other side of our new edging, I was up close with thousands upon thousands of the things I feared most. And after a good few hours of full-on exposure, I realized something:

Spiders want nothing to do with me.

With every scoop I made in that dirt, they scurried away from my glove-covered hands. Not only were THEY afraid of ME, but it was clear they had different priorities.

That was the start of a newfound perspective, but here’s what really did it for me:

Learning a LOT about them.

Thanks to J-Dub’s mild addiction to nature videos and my inability to say no to that handsome little salesman, I think we’ve watched 2,358 YouTubes and 7,019 BBC Earth shows on arachnids.

And you know what?

SPIDERS ARE F*CKING BRILLIANT.

Not only are they incredibly smart and hugely vital to our ecosystem (If they disappeared, we’d face famine!), but every species is wildly unique. I mean, just get a load of how this jumping spider —WHICH IS ONLY THE SIZE OF A GRAIN OF RICE — tries to mate:

If what happens at 1:20 doesn’t make your jaw drop, I don’t know what will.

But this is the kind of stuff that has changed the way I see these fascinating creatures. And it’s gotten me thinking:

If I was able to push past a fear on ACCIDENT, imagine what could happen if I tried it on PURPOSE!

For about 10 days now, I’ve been taking what worked well on the spider front and applying that to my fear of judgement and…

OH, MYLANTA TARANTULA!

This stuff is working. I’m already squashing some rejection heebie-jeebies.

If you also have a fear that’s wreaking havoc on your everyday life or getting in the way of what’s calling to you, here are some things that might get your own wheels moving.

NOTE: I’mma be mentioning medication and supplements, but please remember that I’m not a doctor. This shouldn’t replace any health advice. Please ask a health pro before trying anything like that, K? K.

1. ARMORING UP
   
   When I was first facing all those demons in the dirt, did you notice that I had gloves on? Without them, I wouldn’t have been able to do what I did to the extent that I did, and that got me thinking about other things I’ve faced:
   
   » Before I went to China in 2012, I was terrified of the crowds, germs, long flight, and all the newness. I had never been on a trip like this before. My armor? Anxiety medicine.
   
   » While writing and designing Mama Be Present, the Self-Doubt Devil would show up when I’d sit down at my laptop. My armor? Asking God to cover my hands with his.
   
   » After publishing my book and asking various people to review it, one of my worst fears occurred: bad reviews. Yes, great things came from that negative feedback, but now, every time I head to Goodreads, this is what I look like:

   

   » As I embark on bringing another book into the world, I’m dreading the selling part and overwhelmed by planning another event around it. While yes, I salivate over applause and “Good jobs,” the thought of centering another gathering over something that I and only I created makes me want to run for the hills. My armor? Asking a friend to launch her own book with me!
   
   So, how am I applying this idea to my aversion to failure? What’s giving me the courage to share more online, move forward with ideas, and seek collaborations that my inner critic can’t stand to witness?
   
   • Not drinking for 18 days and counting // When I cut out alcohol, my confidence comes back. My sleep improves. My eyes widen.
   • Taking Magnesium // Been drinking a Calm Magnesium supplement before bed for a few weeks now, and wow. This stuff is magic for anxious brains, sleep, digestion, blood sugar, and, and, and.
   • Journaling more // Seeing my thoughts on paper always helps me reframe and refresh.
   • Praying more // If there’s one person who will debunk all the lies I believe about myself and show me what I really need in this life, it’s God.
   
   

2. LEARNING THE TRUTH ABOUT IT
   
   Remember how I thought spiders were made to be frightening and BITE EVERYTHING, but turns out they’re just as scared of me as I was scared of them? And they really just want to eat bugs?
   
   Same thing goes for humans (minus the whole living to eat bugs part).
   
   We’re all a little bit scared of each other’s opinions, because we all just want to be accepted and seen. So, when I assume someone thinks I’m nuts, that’s actually wishful thinking. I’m not that important in someone else’s brain. They’re very likely thinking more about themselves or, heck, probably wondering if I’m judging THEM!
   
   And if they do judge me, it has everything to do with them and their own stuff, and in most cases, I won’t even know about it. And if I do have to face someone’s negative opinion of me or my work, it won’t last long. Just like if I actually get bit by a spider, it will heal.

   

   How could this apply to other stuff?
   
   First, ask yourself what you THINK to be true about the thing you fear. Write it out. Be as honest and irrational as possible. Put worst-case scenarios on there. Then, put on those garden gloves and dig deeper. Educate yourself. Equip yourself. Prove yourself wrong.
   
   (And if you get stuck, write me. I’d love to help!)
   
   

3. FACING IT HEAD ON…IN SMALL DOSES
   
   It’s very important to note that this whole spider thing happened in safe, manageable baby steps. Had I just rolled around in a pit of wolf spiders or let someone put a tarantula on my face, we wouldn’t be here. That would’ve totally backfired.
   
   But through the process of exposure therapy (AKA bug-hunting in my backyard with JeeWoo), moving all those rocks, and watching various videos over several months, my knowledge and courage increased.
   
   So, as I lead up to the thing that scares me the most (THE SECOND BOOK!), I’m facing my fear of judgement in smaller yet equally scary steps, through:
   
   • Posting more Instagram Lives and spontaneous stuff.
   • Not quitting this newsletter like I want to every week.
   • Playing the piano more — and especially when David and JeeWoo are around.
   • Actually pursuing one of the ideas I loved and suddenly hated. (Looking at you, Not Til Now series, which I’ll roll out in the coming weeks!)
   • Asking people to participate in said series that the Self-Doubt Devil laughed at — and all of them saying yes so far! (Oh, hi, Gardiner Brothers, Annaleigh Ashford, and Anna Rollins!)
   
   With each step I take, I don’t die! And as I learn something new about myself and others, I can’t help but want more. So…I’m…
   
   

4. CONTINUING TO FACE IT
   
   Just like continuous reps with weights will slowly grow your biceps, repeated exposure to that thing that scares you will only grow your confidence. It will only lead you to new ways of seeing things.
   
   Had I not continued to watch more spider videos with my son, I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate the unique quirks that each species has.
   
   And had I not kept posting videos this past week, I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate my unique facial expressions:

Well, I know I just talked a lot about myself, but if YOU have also felt held back by any kind of fear, I hope you were able to find a piece of you in this.

I hope you were able to see something differently.

Most of all, I hope it gave you a little extra courage, because life is too damn short to feel stuck, scared, or stupid.

Until next time,